Just last May 21-22, I’ve been together with Athena, my cousin and my gay friend to attend a certain training for camps. Out of so much excitement I wasn’t able to sleep well the night of 20th because of thinking what to wear, what to say when we meet. Yeah, I kept on imagining those things. To make the story short I was sleepless and unready before we meet the next day.

21st morning came and pride covered me so I resisted talking to her hoping that she would do the first move. When me and my cousin arrived at the venue, Athena came over to where we seated and…

“Hi Pam!” As she pinched my cheek.

Holy. Mother. Of. Butterflies.

I wanted to burst and jump out of happiness. My cousin threw a smile with a meaning behind which I know is something about that momentum. I just told my self to calm down because there are waves of scenes to happen this day.

So as we spend the day together, seminars and talks are held in a room and I always seat beside her which Jas (my cousin) would always support. This time, our phones wasn’t confiscated yet so I took the chance to get her cell number. Seating postion?

Jas | Me | Athena | Tin

Jas was busy calling her boyfriend and Tin was sleepy so it’s me and Athena again. I asked her

“Lagay mo number mo. I changed my phone and number eh.”

She took my phone and entered the digits smiling. :) She put her first name, just the first name and her number. But fuck iPhone for not remining me that her number was already saved! And the worst thing is that, it’s with her last name which she never told me. She saw that and I think she had an idea that I have her number even before that. Damn. That was Epic Fail #1.

There were also times that she would hold my hand for nothing, play with my hair, lie on my shoulders, sometimes she’d hug me. I don’t want to give any meaning behind it, seriously. I really don’t. I’m not giving myself false hopes. But every time she does that, the butterflies fly in my stomach up to my chest, to my heart. And I can do is just stare and look at her pretty smiles.

The night of 21st came and we just finished taking a bath before we sleep so we had to let it dry. Only Tin was the one brought a comfortable bedding so we had to make ourselves fit for it. Luckily, I was thin enough that’s why the four of us slept in one bedding. Yeah, together with Athena. My cousin and Tin were burned out of the activities we did and so they slept first before us. Yes, I stayed awake just to talk to her.

It was a moment I’ve always wanted to do with her. To talk and stare at her eyes as she tells her stories. To have her sitting in front of me with just the two of us. I loved that night. She tells me random things just to keep ourselves awake and so did I.

“May boyfriend ka ba?” I asked.

“Wala since birth.” She joked then laugh. I secretly smiled.

“Seriously? Sa ganda mong yan? Pero I’m sure you have a lot or suitors.”

“Hmm. I had one pero se courts me for three years already. He’s my high schoolmate and the other one’s my college schoolmate. Matagal na rin syang nanliligaw sakin.”

Ok. My heart broke down. Those guys were lucky.

She came to tell me the story of the one who courts her for a year. It’s her college classmate and as she delivers the story, I just can’t concentrate out of being broken that for real, she does not like girls as well. I thought all along that she’s like me. Was it because I gave myself too much hopes that I never came to think that not all girls will swing the way I do? It’s just a mere rejection. A rejection she wasn’t aware of.

But still, it was one of the best nights of my life.

The next morning I came to tell Jas that I’m not okay. I’m broken that she’s straight at hell. I told her that I’d give up this crush thing just because it would just give me hopes that only my mind creates. She seemed to be sad for me too so she got my phone and..

“Closer!”

Athen moved her chair beside me and Jas took a picture of us. Not just one or two or three but it was enough to make a photo album. Although Tin and Rob (gay friend) were there, still I am simply happy with those cute pictures of us. Thanks to Jas that she thought of that. I kept smiling the whole day although inside me, I am really not.

When the training soon to end, we were at the veranda just talking and chitchatting about things when Athen suddenly asked…

“Pam, ikaw din ba…?”

“Ano?”

“Wala.” Then she smiled.

What do you want me to think of that? :( ako din ba bi? Ako din ba walang boyfriend? Ako din ba may gusto sayo. All answers are capital Y-E-S!!!

Pero wala eh. She didn’t insisted her question.

As we are on our way home, Jas talked to me and asked,

“Pam diba you talked to her last night about suitors?”

“Oo. Ipapaalala mo pa? Broken na nga ako.”

“Hindi ganun. I mean, what if babae yung suitors nya?”

Stop. Giving. Me. False. Hopes.

“Tama na -_- suntukin kita jan eh.”

She rolled her eyes. “If I know hindi mo naisip yun.”

Yes she’s right. Hindi ko nga naisip yon. Pero that’s because ayoko nang umasa. Pano kung hindi? Pahiya na naman ako. I will give up this thing. And everytime na magkikita kami, it will just be a happy crush. An admiration. Not more than that.

Back to normal ako ulit. Go with the flow. :)

Nilalayuan ako ng mga tao? Fine with me. I’m used to it.

I’m okay.

Hindi ako bitter. I just wanted to know why. I just want them to clear my mind about why are they doing this. Alam ko namang I have many unlikeable traits in me but seriously, please make me realize it all.

Really, I feel bad.

Hallo! I just came home from school and I’m really really sleepy right at this moment but there’s something I really want to write before I take a nap.

That feeling, when a person suddenly replies to your messages awkwardly. I mean, before we were talking as much as we wanted about stuffs and yeah, I can say we’re that close. But this day really pisses me off. I’m on my way home this afternoon and I was texting her about things like what am I doing or what does the people around me looks like and all she replied to me were ‘yeah?’ ‘ah, okay’ ‘really?’ ‘I guess so’.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I am not mad. I just hate the feeling of being hated but still you keep on talking to me that way. Seriously, if you have any problems with me, just tell me. I won’t get offended as long as it is true but really, I hate that. I’m sorry that I suddenly didn’t reply but I tell you, you made me feel shit.

I talked to my best friend about this girl I met in camp. He was actually happy for me that I come to move on from the hurt I felt in my previous relationship but there was one thing he said to me that bothered me all night.

The story is that, this girl (let’s just call her Athena), is a bit clingy yet so sweet to everyone. I always watch her from afar during the camp and patiently waits for her to give that cute smile. Last saturday night, together with our one gay friend, we were on a room fixing our selves for the intermission numbers. Athena liked to straighten up her hair so I did the job and she looked beautiful, really. Well I’m just fascinated at that time. But a phone call broke that moment. And since her phone is close to where I am sitting, I saw the name of the caller. ‘Honeyco’. I didn’t felt anything since I don’t like her that much at that time so I just let it go. It just gave me the fact that maybe this girl doesn’t want to talk about boyfriends.

When we were sitting at the stairs before the night starts, my cousin’s boyfriend visited her during the camp. From there, Athena was asking me if I had boyfriends so I think I denied it. So I found the perfect opportunity to ask her if she have a boyfriend. Without any hesitation she answered a ‘No’. In short, those two incidents kept me in wonder who that mysterious caller is.

We happen to stay on the stage because we need to find a song so we were together in front of the laptop (the laptop is fucking lagging so it made our time together, longer.). While waiting she asks random questions like, where do I live, where am I studying, and how old am I. Yes, we just met so I do not know those basic facts about her and vice versa.

I answered the first question, “Road 24, Cogeo Village ako eh. Ikaw?”

Then she spoke, “Jan lang sa may Steelhomes.”

“Ah ang layo mo pala samin, isang tricycle pa.”

“Edi dadalawin na lang kita, joke.”

Holy gracious…Can you just make it serious?

Next morning, I was too tired and I don’t want to speak to anyone since my throat hurts. I came to look for her and watch her from afar again. While looking at her it seems that she’s a bit sad and yeah, I watched her for hours but I can count with my fingers how many smiles she had given.

During lunch time, she was sitting alone at the stairs so I found the opportunity to sit beside her and talk. “Hay, nakakapagod, gusto ko na umuwi” were my words as I sat beside her. She smiled! Finally those cute eyes I loved to see. She answered me with this. “Hi Ate Pam, I miss you!” The butterflies grew once more. I told her, “Kagabi lang tayo magkasama tapos na-miss mo ako agad?” Then I laughed, and she laughed with me as well. We talked and we were together, just the two of us wandering in the camp site until afternoon.

When our gay friend came to talk about something with us (he’s fond of rumors so yeah it’s just rumors), I happen to hug him (the gay friend) from his back and I wrapped my arms around his neck while he was stating the story. That’s just normal since we are friends and everyone in the camp does that. But hell, Athena interrupted him and said, “Nakakaselos naman yan.”

Ok. Kill me now.

I told this all to my best friend. But I never came to think that one thing he told me. Seriously, I think I’m over infatuated again. I hate myself for being too easy.

He told me, “Baka bi-sexual din yan.”

I agreed.

“At ginagamit ka lang just because nasa camp kayo at malayo sila ng girlfriend niya sa isa’t-isa”

When I first heard it, I don’t mind. That’s because I think I like her. But really, what am I feeling? Since I came from a break-up, hindi ko na ma-distinguish yung nararamdaman ko. And I fucking hate it.

Please Athena just talk to me. I want to know what’s with you that made me like this.